My mind has been going like crazy the past few days. This is mostly related to the SheSpeaks contest I entered (see last post if interested). I wrote my entry before reading all the other entries already posted, which is a Very Good Thing. If I had read the other posts first, I may not have ended up submitting mine as I think the incredible competition would have succeeded in intimidating me. Of course, I prefer to think that I would have entered anyway, as I do believe I only did so based on God’s leading.
But still. Now that the deadline to enter has come and gone, I am now aware that I am up against approximately 186 women. Yikes! And many, many of them are not only talented writers, but the message they convey in their entries is heartfelt and memorable. I am proud of many of them on the one hand, and on the other, my competitive nature comes into play. I keep re-reading my entry post and compulsively reading those that others wrote, and am fighting that little whisper of “It’s not good enough” that I sometimes hear. Contests really bring out my insecurities. I’m working on giving this to God- I know this opportunity is not meant to throw me into internal chaos. That internal chaos is all my doing, not God’s.
Yet…there is something else this contest is bringing out. When I first decided to enter, I didn’t care as much if I won. If I’m being super honest, now I do care. I really want to win, because the more I think about it, the more I realize what an incredible opportunity it is. But either way, just entering to win the SheSpeaks conference scholarship has taught me quite a bit about what God may be calling me to do, and what my reaction may be to these plans. I didn’t quite realize until writing my entry that I was starting to feel a call into women’s ministry (I still am not sure I like “saying” that out loud–it makes it too real). I thought I would go for the writing track if I won. But in the process of writing, my desire changed to attend the ministry track. I know that the change in desire was courtesy of God because it totally surprised the proverbial socks off of me! So whether I win this contest or not, I have felt excitement bubbling up in me over the past few days that I haven’t felt in awhile. Excitement over the future, my future. Excitement about God’s plans for me. Excitement over opportunities to minister to others and serve the Lord that I never thought I would be open to.
But I am also nervous. About all those same things that are filling me with excitement. And I have to wait until next Friday before the three winners are announced. I. Am. Not. Good. At. Waiting. Guess I’m a work in progress in that regard as well, because one verse God keeps putting in front of me is to “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14). And I’m nervous because whether I win or not, I’ve now put my desire for women’s ministry out there (as well as my hesitant willingness!), and with that comes a form of accountability. My friends and family will ask me about it, and of course, God isn’t going to stop working on my heart and laying His plans for me just because I may not win a contest.
Hence my mind going like crazy. This is a lot for me to absorb. And I know this is a somewhat random post and rather “rambly”. I’m using this post to process and sort things out. Sorry ’bout that for those of you still reading!
And may God bless all of you as you learn of plans you didn’t know were in the making!