Fireflies

I don’t always have the best memory, and my past tendencies to lapse in blogging doesn’t always help with that.  But I remember very clearly sitting in the hotel room lobby after breakfast, waiting for Will as he ran up to the room to grab something, feeling queasy and apprehensive as we prepared to head to the church for the first time.

We had arrived in Exton the night before, excited and tired and wondering what God might have planned for us here.  Now, as we got ready to visit Grace Covenant for the first time, all I knew was that my nerves were not cooperating with my intent to be calm and serene.

Will and I drove to the church and walked in the front doors, immediately greeted by two of the elders- one was heading up the search committee and served as an elder with the youth, while the other served as an elder over the children’s program.  Both were very welcoming and gave us a tour of the building.  I slowly began to feel more at ease.  We sat in the sanctuary and talked a bit before following the head of the search committee to lunch, to meet the rest of the committee.  At lunch, I found myself swirling with thoughts and emotions and being relieved that Will is the more natural talker of the two of us!  That and my food gave me an excuse to listen and observe a bit more.  I liked those that we met and looked forward to seeing them again (along with their families) at the committee head’s house later that evening for dinner.

Before dinner, however, it was time to meet the pastor and his wife for coffee.  Or for me, a Chai latte because I hadn’t fully committed to coffee yet.  We met at a local Starbucks and chatted for a bit.  Will shared his testimony, we discussed our children a bit (including the decisions to homebirth that we had in common), talked about the church some, and then said our goodbyes until the following morning.

Will and I drove back to the hotel discussing how we felt about things so far and wondering how everyone felt about us.  We prayed together, relaxed a bit, and prepared to go to enjoy dinner with the search committee members and their families.  I tend on the introvert side, so I was absolutely feeling drained a bit by all the interactions from the day.  I had to resist my tendency to push myself into a quiet corner.   It’s a hard thing to go through such an interview process, even when you enjoy those interviewing you very much.  Knowing what you say and do is likely being taken into account is always in my mind, but I had been getting to the point where I was determined to just enjoy the process and the people I was meeting.  I’m sure I was a bit overbearing to my husband at times despite this commitment, as he gets to experience the reality of my nervousness through my over-analyzation and incessant processing.  A moment that still stands out as I share this story is from when we said goodbye that evening.  I remember the kindness in the eyes of the search committee head as he shook my hand goodbye.  Sometimes you get clear glimpses of Jesus in people, and I got one then.

Driving back towards the hotel, I delighted again in the beauty of the area, taking in the winding roads, the hills, the beautiful trees.  All of a sudden, we passed a large, open field, rather meadow-like.  And there were lights.  Tiny, twinkling lights. They were everywhere, and they were MAGICAL.  Growing up in the coastal area of NC, fireflies are not common.  I asked Will to pull over and we leapt out.  At that moment, I won’t say I *knew* we were going to be coming to Pennsylvania, but I did know once again that God is amazing, incredible, and the greatest creator of unimaginable beauty, and how could my future be anything less than secure in His hands?

That doesn’t mean I felt complete peace the rest of the interview process, but those fireflies became a tangible reminder of God’s love and care and creativity, and was (and is) a great comfort in times of uncertainty and challenge.

Crazy Faith

Ohio was out.  And that was okay.  The question still remained however- where were we going to end up?

Throughout all of this change, we adopted the song “Crazy Faith” by John Waller as our theme song of sorts.  It just fit.  Life certainly felt crazy, as did our faith during this freefall time.  God specializes in those crazy faith moments, and His faithfulness shines all the brighter through them.  Not that I always kept my eyes on that light.  But we kept pushing forward and knocking on doors that God seemed to place in our path.

Some may wonder (as we did), just what was the point of the door we thought was going to open to Ohio?  I believe that God used that opportunity as a spacer, so to speak.  It timed things out perfectly for us when we found the right door.  The Ohio door is what God used to challenge us farther when Will walked away from the IT position.  It grew us.  It helped us better understand what we were looking and hoping for in a church.  I’m thankful for that door and even more thankful that it was closed to us.  Looking back with the perspective that time and experience brings, even in a relatively short period of time, it is evident that that church and position wouldn’t have been quite right for us.  God knew that and loved us enough to bar that door.

Meanwhile, one of the churches we had been praying about and applied to contacted Will for an interview, and then another, and then an invitation to come for an in-person interview.  It was scary, especially after the experience with Ohio that was still a bit raw.  Will and I agreed we would go solo on this one, leaving the kids behind with my graciously wonderful parents as their caretakers while we flew to Philadelphia.  We were going to interview in a city about 45 minutes outside of Philly.  The next stop for us was Exton, PA.

Will and I knew the position in Exton was a definite crazy faith position.  The job description fit Will really, really well, and the church seemed to be a solid, Biblically sound body of believers.  And the homeschool mom in me could definitely see the amazing opportunities for field trips living near Philly, Valley Forge, 2 hrs from DC, and about 2 1/2 hours from New York City!  However, as we explored the cost of living, some of the wind was knocked out of our sails.  Early in the interview process, I remember looking at houses on the market using Trulia or Zillow and putting in our desired price range along with our hope for 4 bedrooms for our family of 6.  Nothing came up.  I laughed a little manically and upped the price range a bit.  More manic laughter. I looked at Will and basically told him that if we are called to PA, that it would be a miracle indeed!  Either that, or we would just need to live in our van down by the river.

So, we prepared to fly to Philadelphia.  We were going to be gone for two nights, leaving Friday morning and returning Sunday evening.  Neither of us had been to that city before and I hadn’t flown since high school.  My biggest fear at that time became the thought of the plane crashing with Will and I both on it, leaving our children without their parents.  But I was also really excited to explore a new area, have some alone time with Will, and see if this could be what God had planned.

The plane ride was incredible.  It was a smaller plane, but once we were up in the clouds I couldn’t stop looking out and was enthralled by the view.  As we landed, I felt a sense of adventure and we used the next few hours to get to know the city a bit.  We first grabbed a late lunch- Philly cheesesteaks, of course.  We saw the Liberty Bell, went on a tour of Independence Hall, and then changed for our dinner date and drove through the city a bit towards the restaurant where we had reservations.  I was excited about dressing up and going out to dinner in a new city.  Unbeknownst to me, thanks to my inaccurate address input into the navigation app, we got to tour more of Philadelphia in nice clothes and impractical footwear for a ten block walk/run in hot, humid conditions to make dinner reservations in time.  When we finally arrived to the restaurant, I was kind of a literal hot mess in my retro navy polka dot dress.  I had called the restaurant around block five to let them know we were on our way but were running a bit late.  As we entered into the blessed air-conditioned space, before we could even introduce ourselves, the hostess (who also happened to be owner of the restaurant) commented, “You must be the Adairs.”  My breathless, hurried reputation derived from my phone call must have proceeded us.  Bless her, she complimented me on how nice I looked despite my beet red and rather sweaty appearance.  I had never loved ac and ice water more.  Thankfully, Will and I agreed the food was worth it.

Following dinner, we walked more leisurely back to our rental car and prepared to drive the 45 minutes or so to our hotel in Exton. I was enamored with the beauty of the area as we drove-  rock lining the roads, lush and green vegetation and trees.  I had not known how beautiful Pennsylvania was.  We arrived at the hotel, looking forward to getting uninterrupted sleep, and hopefully ready for our introduction to Grace Covenant EPC the following morning.

Not Yet

So.  Ohio.  We had about a month before we would be taking a trip up there for the interview, and had to decide somewhat quickly whether or not we wanted to accept the offer to fly (just Will and I) or take a road trip with the kids and explore along the way.  Despite the appeal of flying and a weekend away with just my husband, we both agreed that we wanted to drive it with the kids.  It helped that my parents had been planning a trip up to Indiana to see my grandpa around the same time, and offered to drive first to Ohio to help with the kids while Will and I were with the search committee!

Ever since beginning the adventure of looking for where God would have us next, Will and I had decided to share with our kids about what God was doing along the way.  We were honest about what was happening, and kept them involved as we prayed about it together and talked about the different places we could end up.  We were able to process anxieties, fears, and other emotions along the way, which I think helped us all.  They were excited about the trip to Ohio, and we checked out books at the library to learn about the state.  I explored the real estate in the area and researched the town a bit.

Will was the first candidate that would be interviewed, and we went back and forth on whether or not that was a good or a bad thing.  Of course, ultimately we were reassured by the knowledge that God was send us where we were supposed to be.  We joked that it felt a bit like a beauty pageant minus the swimsuit competition.  Although I have to laugh as I type that, as we did end up spending time in our hotel pool with some of the leaders and their families!

Towards the end of February, we set out.  Thankfully, our kids are great with road trips (we’ll be even more thankful for this when we discover just how much we will be on the road in the near future)!  The trip was supposed to take about 9 1/2 hours.  It was around 11 hours for us, but with 4 kids ranging in age from 9 to 1 1/2, we figured that wasn’t too bad!  We were very, very happy when we rolled into our hotel parking lot that night.

The next few days were a blur- we met the pastor and took a tour of the church (with kids), Will and I met with the search committee and leadership of the church (without kids), we went out to many lunches and dinners with the pastor and his family along with other leaders and their families, and we squeezed in a visit to an Air Force museum along the way.  We were able to walk through a former Air Force One, which was really cool.  Will was responsible for working with the kids during their Sunday school time and had numerous observers, and was also videotaped so the pastor could review it later!

Overall, we felt good about our long weekend.  The people were very friendly, and many of those in leadership said outright that they felt he was the right fit for the position.  I liked that the two of the families in leadership were homeschoolers, as that provided an instant feeling of camaraderie and common ground.  As much as we did like the pastor and his family, I do remember wishing we had had a bit more time to process rather than feeling so very scheduled.  The pastor even drove around with us to show us the area and discuss possible houses- we got to know him better but I remember thinking, I just need time to think!  We drove home with the kids feeling like the position was a very strong possibility.

A few days later, and after an accidental email that wasn’t meant for Will but somehow got sent to him indicating one person’s pros and cons of each candidate (!), we got the call from the pastor that they had decided to go with the other candidate.  That was a tough call and we were rather stunned. We had been aware that it may not be where God would have us, but it sure felt like it based on our time there.  After the initial shock wore off, we came back to the truth that God would put us where He wanted us.   I couldn’t help but wonder when that would be.

A Road Untraveled

A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch in front of a fireplace.  It felt like 8 degrees outside, which is warm compared to the -10 it felt like when I first woke up that morning.  Like much of the rest of the country, here in Pennsylvania we were experiencing unusually cold temperatures.  Typing “Pennsylvania” still feels strange; reading it, stranger.  The last time I posted anything here, I was sitting on my couch, but not in front of a fireplace, and not in Pennsylvania.  North Carolina feels a bit far away right now, although I’m incredibly thankful for texting, FaceTime, and phone calls that shorten the distance.

It’s been exactly two months since we moved to Pennsylvania.  I have felt compelled now for awhile to share our whole story here, because the amazing ways God answered prayers during this journey needs to be shared!  He is so faithful and good (and has such a great sense of humor in how He orchestrates things).  And while I know this, sometimes it takes me time to see it, if I’m being honest.

When Will first had to say goodbye to his full-time job over two years ago due to the sadness of that wonderful non-profit having to close its doors, I didn’t know what to expect.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was possible we would move, but it was one of those situations where you just kind of keep a thought pushed away in the dark recesses and don’t allow it an inch of room for consideration.  Eventually, though, that thought became more and more of a possibility.  As we prayed and sought God’s will about what He would have Will do, ministry continued to be the answer.  The “where” though…that was a bit more elusive.

When it became evident that there was nothing close to home that was an option, our search expanded farther out into the rest of NC.  Especially the mountains.  I love the mountains and had myself convinced that that was were God would put us. Mine were the prayers filled with, “God, please send us where You would have us.  But please, let that be in NC.”  I didn’t want to leave behind my family and friends.  It was hard to imagine not eating dinner with my parents, brother, and his family every week.  Or watching my oldest daughter with her best friends at an American Heritage Girls meeting, or my oldest son playing tag with his friends in Trail Life.  Or running into one of my middle school teachers while out and about in a community I’ve lived in almost my whole life.  I slowly had to lessen my grip on all of that and recognize that if I was going to ask God to put us where He wants us, I needed to be truly willing to go.  I was lying to myself and to Him with all of my talk about wanting to go where God placed us but then trying to limit where that would be.  I’m still amazed (and ashamed) at how quickly I try to tell the Creator of the universe what He should do.  I remember walking into our living room and telling my husband that I was finally, truly ready to move away if that is what God had for us to do.  That was the start of the ever-widening geographical circle in our search for a new job for Will.

For those that may not know, applying for ministry positions within a church setting typically means a very long interview process, often months of waiting as you progress from the application, to phone interviews, to in-person visits/interviews, and then (hopefully) to an offer.  We looked at positions online in Ohio, Georgia, South Carolina, Louisiana, and even Texas!  We read through some in Washington state and California.  Those that seemed to be a good fit were the ones we prayed about and to which we applied.  It was excruciating waiting for committees to convene, decisions to be made, questions to be asked and answered.  We had lost our full-time income and were certainly aware that our family of 6 couldn’t go on forever on Will’s part-time child and family pastors income.  So we waited.  A lot.   Prayed even more.  Worried though we know that isn’t what God calls us to do.  And we grew.  By God’s grace, our marriage grew stronger and so did our faith in God’s faithfulness.

Due to his IT experience, Will also looked at jobs in that field.  While we knew that God was continuing to call Will into ministry, we also knew that He may open up a secular position while we waited on the others to come to fruition.  We didn’t want to presume that His timeline matched ours.  Will applied and was hired by an IT company that contracts with the military- all he had to do was read an IT equivalent of War and Peace and pass an exam (to catch up on some newer certifications).  As the deadline loomed closer for the completion of the reading and exam, we were informed that Will was one of the top candidates for a ministry position at an Evangelical Presbyterian Church (EPC) in the Midwest.  A week or so after this information, we received a call from his contact with the IT company- she needed to know his status on the exam.  It would have been easier to have told her that he would have it done in the next couple of days and all was good to go.  However, easier is rarely what we are called to, and we certainly felt it would be dishonest to string the company along, knowing we may very well be moving, when they needed to hire and start their new employee as soon as possible.  So Will  informed her that we may be moving in the very near future. Here we are with a solid IT position waiting on him.  The IT salary was good (higher than most in ministry positions, of course).  We wouldn’t have to move.  Yet we had consistently been praying that God would shut doors that need to be shut and open doors that need to be open.   The knowledge that God was moving us along on the ministry path made it clear that Will needed to let the IT job go and we just had to trust.  So he told the IT company that it was possible we would be moving in the next few months and that he would understand if they chose to move on to another candidate.  We knew that if God wanted Will in that IT job that they would indicate their continued interest.  He certainly could have done that.  But He didn’t.

A few hours later, we received another call from the church in the midwest.  The pastor let Will know that he was one of two top candidates for the position, and they wanted us to come for an in-person interview.

We knew he had been a top candidate but now it felt real.  This was in January; three months had passed since Will had lost his job and we had been talking with this church since November.

I felt like we had jumped off a cliff as we cut the cord to the IT position.  But even though it felt like we had just waved goodbye to our sure thing, we relied on our knowledge that Jesus is our sure thing and we clung to that even in the free-fall.  I was doing a bit of screaming though, partially due to adrenaline and partially due to fear.    Next stop…Ohio.

The Birth of Novaleigh Joy

I’m going to ignore how long it’s been since I blogged (as in, ahem, it took me a minute to remember my blog address) and just dive back in.

It occurred to me recently that I hadn’t yet written Novie’s birth story.  She will be two years old in a few days now and it’s hard to remember life without her.  Her middle name is a true descriptor as she brings us a great deal of it and she is quite the sweet spunky monkey.  Hmmm…in fact, I’m not sure I’ve blogged about her until now due to my blogging hiatus!  Oh, how that will change!  That little one is a walking blog post.

Anyway, after Jude’s birth, which you can read about here, I was a bit apprehensive about giving birth again.  When we found out we were pregnant with Novaleigh, my emotions ran the gamut and I definitely had to work through my fears that something could go wrong.  I know that that isn’t uncommon in most pregnancies anyway, but it was more of a fear than it normally is for me.  Even though I knew God was the author of Novie’s story, from day 1 in the womb and onward, and even though I knew that He was just as present at a home birth as He would be in a hospital room, I confess that I struggled with the idea of home birth again.  I still completely believe it was partly due to being at home that Jude’s birth was a story of rejoicing rather than mourning, but that idea of being in a hospital “in case something happens” is strong in our culture and we considered our options carefully once more.

After a good deal of talking it through and a great deal of prayer, Will and I agreed once more that home birth was the way to go and prepared again to have our baby at home.  After a relatively uneventful pregnancy, we approached her due date.  Not to be outdone by her siblings, Novie too knew that the due date was just a suggestion and about a week after it had come and gone, I knew that labor was starting and called my parents who were prepared to come round up the three older siblings.  It was the middle of the day, and Will and I decided to take a walk up and down the street to get things moving along at a good pace before contacting our midwife.  After our walk, we resumed where we were in our Gilmore Girls marathon (yes, he is a good man) and I did some bouncing on the exercise ball to manage contractions.

Labor grew slowly but progressively more intense as the day went on, and we finally called Olivia, the midwife, around dinnertime to let her know that we were in labor and update her on how things were going.  She and one of my favorite birth assistants arrived around 8pm and checked to see how far along I was.  I was super excited and encouraged to hear Olivia say that she expected Novaleigh would be born within a couple of hours as I was already 6-7 cm dilated.  In fact, she said we should forego setting up the birthing tub as by the time it was filled Novaleigh would likely have arrived! I had not thought I was quite that far along!

While I totally know that a woman’s body is designed for childbirth and I had experienced it myself three times already, I found myself questioning when I was ready to push.  I was in and out of the shower like crazy, finding great comfort in the warm water while I was laboring, and I kept feeling like it was time to push.  But it wasn’t like the absolute certainty and urgency I had felt with Asher, or even the less intense but clearer indicators with the other two.  It was just a gentle but firm pressure, and I remember saying to the birth assistant that I felt like I needed to push but I wasn’t entirely sure,  because I was genuinely confused at the lack of strong intensity.  As ridiculous as it probably sounds, I think I was waiting for her to give me permission or to confirm that I was ready, but of course she was trained to take her cues from me (and I was managing contractions well and was fairly relaxed, all things considered).  So this went on for a bit- shower, out of shower, passing comment from me on thinking I could probably push, reply from birth assistant to just let my body slowly move Novie down and I’ll know when it’s time…and then me thinking, “yep, she is probably right because this doesn’t feel like the others…”.  Olivia had gone downstairs for the last 30 minutes of it to take a break and have some coffee (having come off a string of births over the past couple of days that required some additional caffeine input).

Thankfully, my incredible husband, who knows me and understood I was doubting myself, went downstairs to grab Olivia while she was getting some coffee and told her he knew I was ready and that we needed to get ready for Novie to make her entrance.  I had been listening to a playlist I had compiled of some of my favorite praise and worship songs and continued to find great comfort in the music.  Olivia came in and with her typical bold and forthright personality declared we were going to push now and so we prepared for Novie’s soon-to-be entrance. I was relieved- I think I was so exhausted from labor and trying to make sure I wasn’t trying to push prematurely that I needed someone to come in decisively at that moment.

I felt a renewed sense of purpose and that rush of adrenaline that comes with knowing that the first time you will hold your baby in your arms is imminent.  My water hadn’t yet broken (of course this explains in part why I wasn’t feeling that super strong intensity) and as we began to push, it finally broke and Novie was born within 20 minutes of pushing.  After a prolonged transition phase, I was extra thankful that pushing was quick!  We heard that beautiful cry and there she was.  A perfectly pink, 8 lb bundle of sheer preciousness.  I remember the immense feelings of joy and relief and seeing Will’s eyes bright with tears as he held her.  I remember cradling her close to me and looking down at her bright, alert little eyes.  After I held her a bit and once the cord had stopped pulsing, Will cut it and Olivia weighed her and did the usual post-birth health check.  Her APGARs were great.

God was and is so good to us, and we were and are so incredibly thankful for His faithfulness as He blessed us at 1:08 am on November 12, 2015 with Novaleigh Joy Adair.  We had always wondered if perhaps there was a little Novie in our future, just waiting for the right time to come into being, and now we have the privilege of being part of the story God will tell through her life.

 

 

What Are You Known For?

A few nights ago, as I tucked my almost 7 year old daughter into bed, she engaged her usual stall tactic as I headed to her bedroom door.  She has a knack for asking deep questions at bedtime, although come to think of it, I’m not sure it’s as much a stall tactic as just her natural inclination.  Anyway, she stops me in my tracks with the question “Mom, what are you known for?”

Now, my sweet girl did not know that this is just the question I’ve been struggling with again lately.  You see, I really hate to admit it because I KNOW, comparisons are bad and unnecessary and a sucking black vortex into discontent, but I do fall into the comparison trap much more than I would like.  I find that social media can be a snare for me when I find myself in that place, especially Ye Olde Facebook.  I love to read blogs, and typically the ones I read are by women that encourage me in my faith in Christ and inspire me to step out on faith and change my perspective in a variety of ways. Yet those same women that encourage me on one blog earlier in the week can often be the same women I compare myself to later in the week.  A series of photos or status updates by people on Facebook that I am friends/acquaintances with can send me into a vulnerable flurry of doubts if I’m already feeling down, discouraged, frustrated, or just having an “off” day.

So this leads back to the question “What are you known for?”  I had been struggling because I was buying the lie our culture tells, both purposefully and accidentally at times, that being a mom isn’t enough.  That I need to be a mom AND have a career, that I need to be a mom AND an athlete, that I need to be a mom AND be recognized for whatever else pops into my head at the moment.  And ironically, when I’m not stressed or discouraged (and even sometimes when I am), I’m one of the first people to remind other women that being a mom is a calling.  For real- A CALLING.  I think we as moms often find ourselves downplaying the importance of what we do because we share the motherhood status with so many other women.  At least, I’ve found myself in that place.  There is truth that it is hard to feel something is special when it is common. But you know?  While motherhood may be a common, everyday role, it is also exciting, extraordinary, and yes, special.  Because not one of us, not one, parents exactly the same way, with exactly the same kids, in exactly the same circumstances.  God absolutely positively chose me to be the mother to my children, fitting us together to complete part of His puzzle.  Another mom would not fit in the exact way needed.  And if you are a mom reading this, He chose you in the same way.  Ironically, I feel entirely fulfilled in being a stay-at-home-mom who happens to also homeschool my children.  At least, I feel fulfilled until I let myself buy into that terrible lie that I shouldn’t be, that I should want more.

When my daughter asked the question, the first thing that popped into my head and out of my mouth was “I suppose I’m known for being your mom.”  She asked “What else?”, so I added that I enjoy writing and since I had something I had written published, that that could qualify (not that many beyond those close to me know that, but anyway).  But as I turned to head out of her room, I realized I was answering the question wrong.  I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want to be known for something sometimes.  Yet ultimately, I want to be known as a follower of Jesus.  I want HIM to be known.  And I want whatever gifts He has given me to glorify Him, not just serve as a well-liked status update or a chance to bask in a brief moment of glory.  And I took a minute more to tell her that.  Because if she can get that idea down now, on the cusp of turning 7, then her focus will be less on herself and more on Him- something her mama is working on.

Starting Fresh

After sporadic blogging over the past couple of years, I found myself avoiding my blog altogether.  Often out of being tired enough that I wasn’t sure I could string coherent sentences together, but more so because I’ve just let life crowd out my enjoyment of writing.

So I’m starting over, kind of.  I want to breathe fresh life into this blog.  Really, it needs to be resuscitated– quite possibly with an AED as well as CPR.  So after choosing a new name and a new look, I’m ready to give writing some time again.

I hesitated in picking the word “mundane” to use as in my new title.  While my life is often somewhat repetitive and by most definitions, not super exciting, I don’t exactly consider it dull or lacking interest.  But it does fit in the sense that my life is often that of the everyday, the ordinary.   And then there is the fact that the word “mundane” is becoming more commonly used in many circles, especially it seems, in mommy/women bloggers.  So there’s that.

Oh, and the dancing.  Yeah, that’s not really my gift.  I have decent musicality, I love music and I love to move, but I do not qualify as a “dancer”.  So given all of this, titling this blog “Dancing in the Mundane” may seem a little off.  But to me, it’s perfect. Life isn’t clearly defined by set terms, at least, mine certainly isn’t.  And when this blog title popped into my head, it felt right because it wasn’t a 100% perfect description.   It traces the lines of my life without filling them in, and I find comfort in that.  My ordinary, everyday life is sometimes tedious, often repetitive, and with three children 6 and under, frequently tiresome!  I stay home with my children, which I sincerely love, and on top of that I homeschool, which I also love.  Most days.  And of course, being home with young children does allow for some mundane to creep in.  But I want to dance through it.  Crazy, goofy, sometimes graceful, aspiringly joyful dancing right through the routine diaper changes, the stereotypical-for-a-reason never-ending laundry, the shouts of both frustration and joy when learning something new, and the little arms thrown around me for a hug that can make all the hard stuff worth it.

That is the life I want.  A life that offers praise to God through every bit of it- whether dancing with arms open wide or teeth clenched tight.  And ironically, as I did look up the word mundane with the help of ever-present Google, I learned something else about it.  A secondary definition of mundane is “of or relating to this world or earth as contrasted with heaven”.  One of the first things I hope anyone will realize about me is that I’m a follower of Jesus Christ, so the idea of this world here being mundane speaks to me in a deeper way.  It’s not our ideal, it’s not our final home.  I want to dance through it in anticipation of what is to come, making the most of what CS Lewis called “the Shadowlands” and knowing there is ever more color ahead. I want to redefine a life mundane into a life extraordinary.  Not due to a change in circumstances but due to a change in perspective, in vision, in attitude.  Because, really, life is extraordinary, and those mundane moments are what define it.

Even when I have a toddler that likes to wipe his nose on my shirt.  A lot.

What, am I your servant or something?

Last Sunday I followed my almost 18-month-old around with a plastic bright blue colored bowl of fruit, hoping to get in a few more bites of food since he was too busy to sit still.  As I shadowed him around my parents kitchen this evening while we were there for dinner, feeding him small bites of pear by the forkful, I jokingly said aloud to him (and my sister-in-law in the kitchen with me), “it’s like I’m a servant or something”.  

And you know, last night I jumped out of bed at 12:45am as I heard his cry through our cracked bedroom door, responding to his whim to be held and fed.  Earlier I changed his diaper, wiping his bottom and disposing of that which was less than pleasant smelling.  I carry him, I wipe his runny nose, I bathe him.  Here, let me feed you more grapes as you recline on your floor pillow, son.  

A servant is defined as “a person who performs duties for others, especially a person employed in a house on domestic duties or as a personal attendant.”  Thank you Google.  So despite my flippant comment, I clearly qualify.  And I’m okay with that.  Why?  Not just because I’m a mom- in reading the above definition, all moms qualify for the title “servant” (yes, others do too, of course, but I’m speaking about what I know here).  But isn’t servant a derogatory term?  Yes, throughout history it has often been equated with someone of a lower station.  And you know?  That doesn’t really bother me either.

Because it occurred to me in a brief flash of awareness (that I attribute to getting more than just a couple of hours of sleep last night), that I am blessed to be called a servant.  I’m blessed to even be considered of lower station.  Because Jesus was.  And I want to be like him.  

In Matthew 25, Jesus is describing the final judgment- what it will be like when He returns.  He states in verses 24-40, “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

So Jesus is describing service to others.  He goes on to state that in caring for others- the least of these- we are caring for HIm.  

Then in Luke 9 the disciples are arguing amongst themselves about who is the greatest.  Bless those imperfect men- they are such an encouragement in their imperfection (and I love how all their sin and mistakes makes Christ shine that much brighter- reminds me that He uses mine for His glory too!).  Anyway…as they are arguing, it says in verses 47-48 that “…Jesus took a child and put him by his side and said to them, “Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is the one who is great.”  So again Jesus reiterates serving “the least of these”, and in this example the least of these is exemplified by a child.  

I write this to remind myself, and encourage other mothers especially, to look upon the seemingly mundane tasks of wiping noses, changing of diapers, and the spoon-feeding of our babies as, yes, SERVING.  We are servants.  But we aren’t only serving our children.  We are serving the Lord.  Our kids are “the least of these”.  And aside from getting to be their mommies, they allow us to serve The Greatest of All.  

 

The Struggle

My cursor keeps blinking as I sit here staring at the screen.  When it’s been awhile since I’ve written, I find it hard to organize all my thoughts and ideas that I’ve had over the past few months; all those moments where I’ve filed something away thinking “I’d like to write about that…”.

This past year has been a struggle.  It’s been a year full of lots of laughter and wonderful moments, but a struggle in many, many aspects.  There is, of course, the struggle of adjusting to having three children- I’m sorry, but for those of you that told me that going from one to two was hard but two to three was a breeze…you lie.  Or perhaps it was a breeze for you and truth be told, at first I thought it was for me,  but once my littlest started moving, it was all over.    We have a climber.  An adventurer.  A daredevil.  A child who at the age of 15 months has already fallen in love with the word “no” (and even though it sounds cute now I’m wary).  He also happens to have a great sense of humor, a terrific laugh, and a very sweet spirit most of the time.  So that helps when I feel my sanity fading.

The real struggle, though, has been in an area that was new to us- the world of food allergies. Food allergies were foreign to us and we were shocked when we discovered that they were the culprits of a horrible diaper rash that lasted from a week old to a couple of months old, congestion and slightly difficulty breathing, and major spit-up issues that required more clothing and clean-up than I ever imagined.

Because I was (and am) breastfeeding our littlest guy, those food allergies required a change in diet.  When the pediatrician told me at his two month well-child visit that I was going to have to cut out dairy (one of the most common allergens in babies), I literally cried on the way home.  What about pizza?!?  Milk chocolate?!? What on earth am I going to eat?  I’m one of those girls who loves dairy.  I’m the granddaughter of a former dairy farmer!  I began the journey of educating myself on what had casein in it, as simply cutting out milk isn’t sufficient.  Of course yogurt, cheese, ice cream, sour cream, cream cheese and milk had to go.  But the myriad of foods that have some form of milk in them is remarkable.  And as I also cut out soy (due to that being a common allergen along with the dairy), I was quite overwhelmed at the number of foods now off limits (soy lecithin is in just about EVERYTHING).

After eight weeks or so of cutting out those two things, the rash finally went away, his congestion began to clear up, and the spitting up did get somewhat better.  But Mr. J did not end up fully symptom free.  This tormented me.  As a nursing mom, I was responsible for everything he ingested, and knowing that something I was consuming was causing him to be in pain or uncomfortable was very difficult emotionally.  At one point I was dairy, soy, egg, peanut, chocolate, and tomato free (only for a week or so with all of them but that week was a loooonnnnngggg one) in an attempt to narrow down possible causes.  Other times I took out gluten for a month, or avoided certain other foods for specific periods of time.

Thankfully, the older he got, the easier it became (unless out to dinner, at a potluck, or at a party) and the more his symptoms cleared.  Around six months, eczema became the most concerning symptom as it was more severe than I had ever seen from my kids or myself (we all have had quite minor eczema issues here and there).  I read everything I could find on food allergies and eczema, and I became pretty efficient at recipe substitutions.  I developed a decent taste for regular almond milk or coconut milk (still doesn’t beat dairy in my book) and rejoiced at discovering chocolate almond milk- which is pretty great and helps my need for a chocolate fix.  I found alternatives for yogurt and began making even more things from scratch, like cream of chicken soup.  Let me just say though, that I gave up on finding a cheese substitute that is worthwhile.  I miss cheese. Anyway, as J began eating solids, I was able to pinpoint a bit better what he seemed to react to, because we had really been shooting in the dark in many ways.  (We had not opted for allergy testing as one, it is SUPER expensive and we self-pay; two, the unreliability of it for a child at such a young age did not make the cost worth it; and three, his allergies didn’t appear severe enough to warrant a visit to the allergist, praise God.)

The eczema continued to be our biggest problem and was the source of many tears and much prayer.  I rejoice in being able to type “was” as a few weeks ago, it just started to clear up.  We hadn’t done anything different regarding food or lotions or such; I believe it was an answer to the many prayers that had been offered up.  I never understood how eczema could really cause so much difficulty but I have definite empathy for those that struggle with it as well as with food allergies.  Eczema can seriously interrupt a life, and serious food allergies, of course, can take a life.  And many people, myself included before J was born, just don’t understand.

All that to say, it’s been a journey.  A hard one honestly.  I don’t need to list every difficulty it has brought as this post is quite long enough already and this is a condensed version of our story, but I did want to share in case anyone comes across this that is facing something similar.  I’m hopeful that he will outgrow his allergies (dairy and peanut are definitely culprits).  And on the positive side, my formerly food-picky self is now eating things I never would have thought I would consume before, so that’s been a great part of this adventure.  But… when J has weaned, I am going to inhale a large pizza all by myself with a cheesecake for dessert to celebrate.

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On Growing Up

Almost all of us have some specific remnant(s) of our childhood we carry with us, a symbol of our earliest years.  Things we can look at or sounds we hear that fill us with memories.  Pictures that take us back to sitting on logs near the woodpile in the backyard eating Sweet Sixteen powdered donuts with your grandpa; songs that take us back to that roller-skating birthday party where your biggest focus was not falling in front of the boy you liked.  Or a teddy bear that you named after Big Bird’s teddy bear when you were a preschooler that adored Sesame Street.  We are blessed (or sometimes feel cursed) by a beautiful flood of memories that can come rushing back by association in a matter of moments.

Sometimes those moments come with the realization that life is speeding by faster than you had truly realized.  Once you become a parent, the thing you may often hear the most is “before you know it, they’ll be grown.” And it’s true.  It really is.  As cliche as it sounds, you can just about “blink and those early days are gone.”  We may feel it strongly when our kids take their first steps, say their first words, start picking out their own clothes, or begin their first year of school.  Life is often measured in the “firsts”.  Tonight I was hit by a mack truck of realization that involved a first I hadn’t really thought about and in many ways, am not quite ready for.  It involves one of my daughter’s firsts- her first love really.

It can be argued that it was her father and I that occupy that “first love” place in her heart, and I suppose that is certainly true in many ways.  But Lulu… Lulu has always held a special place in her heart, and it’s Lulu that has consistently been the symbol of my little girl’s childhood.

Lulu is a lamb.  A lovely, lavender lamb that was given to us as a baby shower gift before my sweet girl was even born.  She was the top of the diaper cake made by my friend Melissa in response to the knowledge that the theme for Eila’s nursery was The Lion and the Lamb.  Because of this, we were blessed with many lambs.  It took a few months of course, but Lulu soon became Eila’s favorite.  From about six months onward, they were inseparable.

Like many beloved stuffed animals, blankies, and so forth, Lulu has gone everywhere with Eila- out of state to visit family, around town running errands, to offer comfort when Eila is scared or sad- Lulu is well-loved and well-traveled.  Therefore, in almost every single picture of Eila from babyhood on, Lulu is there, peeking out from Eila’s elbow.  She is like a member of the family- to the point that if I saw Lulu lying somewhere and I needed to move her, I felt almost guilty if I kicked her with my foot instead of gently picking her up and placing her down in a better location.  Sometimes Lulu can almost make you believe, like Sara Crewe did about her doll Emily in A Little Princess, that she is really alive and would move if you left the room.

Due to Lulu’s loved status, she has become quite worn over the years.  As threadbare as The Velveteen Rabbit and cuddled just as much if not more so, her stuffing began to poke through and she was on the verge of unraveling in many areas.  A kind friend at church offered to crochet lovely pastel colored patches to strengthen Lulu’s worn parts and those have so far held true.

Earlier, as Eila was downstairs playing and I was in her room putting some of her things away, I caught sight of Lulu lying there in the middle of the bed and my heart caught in my throat.  I realized that this was becoming the new normal.  Once always cuddled in Eila’s arms, Lulu is left behind on a more frequent basis.  Eila often says now she leaves her to keep her safe and preserve her from getting torn up and I know this is true.  But… I also know that her leaving Lulu behind is inevitable much like how she is slowly easing out of her childhood.  And Lulu is a tangible reminder of that.

I believe she will always have Lulu, whether she be in a box or on a shelf.  I think that Lulu will continue on with her through adolescence, into adulthood, and may make it to be played with by Eila’s children someday.  Even if she doesn’t, the thought of Lulu will, and is likely to spark many, many wonderful memories for my little girl.   As I looked at Lulu laying there, I was acutely aware that in a day or two, Eila will be starting first grade and that my sweet firstborn girl is a going to be a grown woman much sooner than I can imagine.  It was one of those cliche “blink-and-you-miss-it-moments” and it made me hug my daughter a little bit tighter that night as she clutched Lulu in their familiar embrace.